Vindication is mine haters!! Meat Loaf is currently number three on the definitive list of the Rulers of the Pop Universe, aka the Popjustice Almighty, rubbing shoulders with the likes of Lily Allen and, er, lil Chris.
Having defended the great man as far back as January of this year, I think I can claim to be well and truly ahead of the pop curve on this one. It hasn't been an easy road, with a notable low point being the humiliation of having my Meat Loaf post relegated to the "happy days retirement community" forum over at Popjustice, but let's let bygones be bygones and communally rejoice in the genius that is sure to be Bat out of Hell III, available for preview at Meat's myspace page here.
A definite highlight is Meat wrestling the brilliance that is "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" out of Celine Dion's cold, Canadian grasp. Although I can't help thinking that rather than being paired with his competent but unevenly-matched debutante of a singing partner, a cage-match style "duet to the death" with Celine would've been much more satisfying. Each could over-emotively belt it out until someone's vocal chords snapped, like so:
Vs 
See what I mean? It'd be brilliant! And if a clear winner couldn't be determined on the vocal front, they could both just attempt to eat the other's head.
Having come to the conclusion that the World had reached a sublime apotheosis of the absurd with the appropriately tragi-comically titled "Cartoon Wars", and had therefore finally descended into madness, I retired this blog, pulled on my riding boots and patiently awaited the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, stirrup in hand. However, as I was to discover in the coming months of pop, I had not yet fully appreciated mankind's capacity for utter lunacy.
Six months later, I now live in a world where former arch-pain-in-my-backsides Nelly Furtado (up until recently solely referred to as Nelly Retardo in my little playground of pop) and Muse (Muse!) have released two of the best singles (if not the best in Nelly's case) of the year. I even enjoyed the Paris Hilton single for Christ's sake! Now, this may qualify as crazy you may say, but not exactly earth-shattering. Even the Paris Hilton thing (I mean, the single was ok, but the Wicked Game rip-off video was truly awful, only serving to showcase all the ways in which Paris is not Helena Christensen. So I can still honestly and fairly say I hate her). Fair enough. But brace yourselves, you haven't heard the worst of it - the truly depraved, debased nature of the reality which now surrounds me.
I love the new Robbie Williams single.
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHH!!! THE HELLFIRE!!!! THE BRIMSTONE!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!!!!!! THE END TIMES HAVE COME!!!
Ok, ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating just a little bit, especially considering that it's Soulwax's remix of Lovelight which is currently locked on an infernal loop on my ipod, not Robbie's original version. But still, it's Soulwax remixing Robbie - things aren't as they should be.
That being said, I suppose it's prudent to save the End is Nigh talk for the inevitable MSTRKRFT remix of James Blunt's next single.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone are my new heroes.
Comedy Central, not so much.
Undoubtedly the most important South Park episode ever aired and, although the network wimped out in the end, a lone beacon for free speech among Western mainstream media. But let's not let these lofty achievements overshadow South Park's finest hour: the greatest ever rendition of Funkytown by a stoned towel.
Brilliant.
So I've finally fallen in love with Rihanna's new single, SOS (Rescue Me). The last obstacle was overcoming my qualms about what I perceived to be Rihanna's perpetuation of my biggest grammatical pet peeve - the substitution of "your" for "you're". Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! is all I have to say about that. Give me text speak over that any day. At least then there's no pretense of speaking actual english with spelling and grammar or anything. Christ on a bicycle it gets my goat. Anyway, I eventually came to the realisation that Rihanna was not singing "Y O U R making this hard", but "Y O U are making this hard". Hooray!!! Oh Rihanna, how I misunderestimated you; you're not just a nifty little pop star, you're a world champion speller!! Phew, thank God for that.
But this was not the only obstacle lying on the path towards my love of SOS. Word on the cyberstreet was that Rescue Me contained a sample from Tainted Love. Oh no. Shades of Hung Up, which, while being enjoyable enough, always bothered me in the way it let the sample do all the heavy lifting. Take away the ABBA magic and what do you have left? A pretty flat melody with some hand-me-down Hangin on the Telephone lyrics. Ho hum. But..what is this? I've listened to SOS (Rescue Me) a few times and have barely even noticed the sample. The melody is stuck is my head. I have to remind myself to listen for the Tainted Love bit. The song has been built over rather than around the sample! It has been used as a foundation rather than the centrepiece for this magnificent single!! A triumph!! Bravo Rihanna!! BRA-VO!!!
Please also enjoy this classic and equally educational track from Janet Jackson, which will not only make you shake your thang, but aid you in the correct spelling of 'miss' i.e. "m-i-s-s you much".
The great pantheon of cartoon pop bands is full to its colossal brim with perfectly realised two-dimensional characters and their sugary little pop ditties: The Archies (Reggie+Veronica 4EVA!!!), the far hotter Josie & The Pussycats, the even hotter Jem & The Holograms (and their musical superiors, The Misfits. Why did Barbie and The Rockers never take off anyway?), the MC Hammer cartoon (Hammerman - which was far superior to the real MC Hammer), the New Kids on the Block cartoon (which was far inferior to the super-dreamy in-the-flesh NKOTB. I love you DONNIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!), etc...
Now what's missing from this illustrious list of perfectly penciled pop parcels? A psychedelic garage rock band singing about living in "a cucumber castle on the bank of a cranberry sea" you say? Why, how coincidental, as I was just about to turn your attention to The Banana Splits, the most psychedelicy, garagey and rocky cartoon band in the history of animation. And I'm goin back to the frickin pictograms people! Don't nobody touch this badass group of fruits! Yeah, I'm talking to you California so-called Raisins. Man, I still can't believe this: 
actually happened.
Anyway, The Banana Splits did something quite unusual for a cartoon band, or any band for that matter, in that they made an entire album's worth of good songs. Sure, the Splits' Tra La La theme song is still the best tune, but there's even an 'alternative' take on the album that is actually - shocker! - better than the original! Yes, usually 'alternative' spells death to a pop song, but the amazing Splits pull it off. They are truly The Best Psychedelic Garage Rock Cartoon Band Ever!!!!!! Here's a sample from We're The Banana Splits:
The Banana Splits - I Enjoy Being A Boy (In Love)
Ok, I confess, all that hemming and hawing was just a flimsy excuse to post the video below. Now, there are plenty of documented instances of Courtney Love going bananas, but I think that this would easily qualify as both the most literal and, aw shucks, just plain adorable occurrence of such. Ladies and gentlemen, Courtney Goes Bananas:
I love her. Now please quit the collagen.
Let me get down on one knee and bring the lights down, so to speak, for just a sec. Don't worry, I wouldn't go so far as to post anything 'serious' on my decidedly silly site, but hey, I have like, feelings, ok? Barring anything so crude as gravitas, I'd like to introduce a touch of class to the proceedings from time to time. And what better way to describe my fellow Canadian k.d. lang. Never more Canadian or, indeed, more classy than during her 2005 Juno performance of fellow classy canuck Neil Young's Helpless. Neil covered by k.d. - that's class squared people. And at the Canadian music awards to boot - which doesn't really increase the class factor, but raises the Canadian factorial to the 3rd power. This song is a mathematically sure bet.
Which is the worst way in the world to describe this beautifully natural cover. Every note is pure and true, adding to the imagery of the crisp Canadian wilderness which this song evokes. Now before you run off to hurl your cornflakes from the pure schlockiness of that statement, try spending a night here:
and see how well you can retain your cynicism, m'kay?
The North Ontario of which Young sings is, as I remember, honest, untouched and unspoiled - adjectives which could also describe Neil's song and k.d.'s delivery. Unadorned yet fully captivating, it's an anti-Grammy performance perfect for an awards show held literally in the middle of nowhere.
Heightening the emotion of the song is the context in which it was performed; Neil Young was originally scheduled to appear at the Junos that year, which were held in his native Winnipeg. However, he had to undergo emergency brain surgery and lang stepped in to fill his size 56 shoes. She dedicated the song to him thus:
"If there is a beacon or a bastion of an artist who has maintained his integrity and his uncompromising vision and purity . . . it is Neil Young. So Neil, I sing this for you. Heal fast my friend."
Usually any mention of Paradise by the Dashboard Light elicits various simulated retching sounds among my so-called 'friends'. Why this seemingly reflexive defense reaction to what is surely the blueprint for teen pop masterpieces everywhere? Well, maybe this has something to do with it:
or this:
Tatu they ain't. But Jim Steinman and Meat Loaf nonetheless created a teen soap melodrama the heights of which not even two faux-lesbians lusting after each other in the rain could attain.
Now I know that some of you must be saying to yourselves "how DARE you! I hate this song because it is the most cheesy, over-the-top aberration ever committed to tape, not because Jim Steinman's jacket is the most cheesy, over-the-top aberration ever committed to leather" (but secretly you love his jacket, don't you). But in the words of the great mullet n' shades man himself: "If you don't go over the top, you can't see what's on the other side."
And what's on the other side? The land of the eight and a half minute pop song. A vast no-man's land between the borders of pop and musicals, where one song can contain roughly 32 emotions, 17 key changes, 5 choruses, 1 legendary yankees baseball announcer and the entire narrative of Grease. This is the land where rock n' roll dreams come through, come and stay a while.
Just in case you still can't overcome the tragic un-hipness of it all, here are some 'cool' facts about Jim n' Meat:
Ladies and gentlemen, the young Jim Steinman:
OH MY GOD IT'S THE BEST POP STAR PICTURE EVER!!!!
There. Convinced? Good.
True to form and flying in the face of several New Year's resolutions, my singles of the year come to you late and in no particular order. Yay!
OH oh oh OH oh oh OH oh oh OH oh oh OH oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh. Oh oh oh oh oh. Oh oh oh oh oh.
Come on hide your lovers underneath the covers. Cause it's frickin cold in Montreal.
Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap.
It's not an optical illusion, it's the E talking. Nite Version of course.
I love your single covers, they're all so arty, oh yeah. I include in this selection the Erol Alkan remix - superfantastisch, oh ja!
X-ray who? An ace cover and three choruses for the price of one! Oh Girls Aloud, you're too good to us...
Seewhatimean???!!! Another ace single! With motorcycles!!
Which segues into a song with actual motorcycle sounds, genius! Ok, they're supposed to be car sounds, but whatever. Dario is the Leader of the Pack of our times. Long live Dario.
Apparently Rhianna wants us to turn the music up. Let's...
SINCE U BEEN GOOOOOOONNNE!!!!!!!!!
And walk out into velvet...
So there ya have it - my top 10 singles of 2005. Just ripe then it's gone. Bring on 2006!
Was there ever any doubt? Certainly not for anyone who's had to hear me rave on and on about this album for the last month. I would apologise for being such a poptacular bore if it weren't for the fact that I have done these heathens (meaning my indie friends of course) a great service by introducing them to the unmatched frissons of pleasure which one derives from being immersed in such a perfectly executed and, more importantly, way-super-fun album as Girls Aloud's Chemistry.
Xenomania have resurrected an idea which may never have been executed to this degree of perfection in the first place - namely, that of the pop album. Ironic really, considering the let's-download-the-single-screw-buying-the-album times we live in. Or perhaps Xenomania just viewed this as an extra challenge. Regardless, unlike almost every cd in my collection, I never feel the urge to skip over a track. The exception to that rule being It's Magic, which I've since grown to enjoy thanks mostly to it being Cola's song. In any case, there's a reason this is my album of the year as opposed to my collection-of-a-couple-of-great-singles-some-mediocre-crap-plus-filler of the year (which would be Sugababes by the way).
Some highlights then? Yes.
So thank you Brian Higgins, Miranda Cooper, the rest of Xenomania and of course The Aloud. You have earned the dubious distinction of not only winning my accolade of Album of the Year, but also being the subject of my first ever post on this blog. May all other posts be as worthy.
P.S. Long Hot Summer is way underrated.
